The funniest college commencement address February 22, 2012

Ian Welham laughs at the speech Conan O’Brien delivered to the Dartmouth Class of 2011

In my travels I’ve heard a few graduation speeches.

The funniest one I heard in recent years was Conan O’Brien’s commencement address to the Dartmouth Class of 2011. Some highlights:

“Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, has been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.”

“…Besides policy, another hallmark of great commencement speeches is deep, profound advice like ‘reach for the stars.’ Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clichés. Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years.

• First, adult acne lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye.
• Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it.
• Here’s another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool becomes a white gel.
• And finally, wearing colorful Converse high-tops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.”

“…Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down:

• Many of your children you haven’t seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to see them every day when they come out of the basement to tell you the wi-fi isn’t working.
• If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree.
• And, I have to tell you this: You will spend more money framing your child’s diploma than they will earn in the next six months. It’s tough out there, so be patient. The only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug cartels.”

You can see it on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmDYXaaT9sA